As women, we compare ourselves far too often to our parents and other moms within our community as a whole. We wonder if we are doing enough if we could be better than we are and the comparison game never ends. In this anonymous submission, a new mom speaks about her experience with needing a c section and dealing with her mother’s reaction.
“Emergency c-section,” my doctor told me. I went completely numb. I couldn’t hear anyone. I didn’t look at anyone. Tears were just coming down. As numerous doctors and nurses were coming in, they kept asking me questions, informing me what was going to happen. But if I am being completely honest; I really didn’t hear anything they said.
I barely remember what I responded. I just remember thinking, “I failed. I’m a failure. What did I do wrong? Should I have said no to the epidural? I am so sorry, nene. I am so sorry.” In the craziness of everyone preparing for my surgery, we called my mom and told her what was going to happen. She was very upset and tried to rush to the hospital to try to stop it, but it was too late.
Shortly after I woke up from surgery, she walks in a couple of minutes later and pretty much blamed me for needing a c-section. “Vieras caminado mas. Tomar chocolate caliente. Movido mas durante tu embarazo” which translates to “you should have walked more. Drank hot chocolate more. Moved more during your pregnancy.”
As I wrote this in my journal, I realized that I was so hard on myself because of my mom. Throughout my pregnancy, I compared it to my mom and kept saying, “ my mom didn’t do that. I have my mom’s genes.” I had to be as strong as my mom. But guess what?
I AM NOT MY MOM. I am me. It’s my own experience, my own body, my baby, my family, my life and I did my fucking best.
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